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Communication is so important in a marriage. Being able to have a healthy conversation is one of the most helpful things you can do to improve your relationship. Here are 3 quick tips to keep your communication running smoothly. 1. Don’t ask questions that start with “Why….” Questions that start with the word “why” will […]
Communication is so important in a marriage. Being able to have a healthy conversation is one of the most helpful things you can do to improve your relationship.
Here are 3 quick tips to keep your communication running smoothly.
Questions that start with the word “why” will often make people feel attacked. When people feel attacked, they start to defend themselves. And now you are not listening to each other and instead, stuck in an attack-defend-attack-defend communication pattern.
Instead, use questions that start with these phrases:
“Tell me about….” “What happened with…..” What do you think about….” “What was going on with….”
All these phrases are more neutral, less aggressive and have a higher chance of you getting an honest answer and not a defensive one.
Talking louder does not make your partner hear you better. It usually ends up frustrating them, firing them up, or hurting them. Healthy communication skills include keeping the tone and volume neutral. Shouting is not healthy. It just adds fuel to the fire.
Instead, try these tips:
Take a long, deep breath before responding. Focus on your breathing for a few seconds.
Tell your partner you need to take a 5 minute break before continuing to talk.
Talk softer. Instead of yelling, try going the opposite direction and speaking quieter.
Again, we are looking to keep the conversation neutral and not aggressive. Many people feel attacked when they are told what they are doing wrong. Figure out a way to reframe the sentence so that your partner can listen instead of defend. Starting sentences with “You always…..” and “You never…” and “You are so….” is not the healthiest way to communicate.
Instead, start your sentences with “I”. Say something like, “I feel…” or “I don’t like …” or “I prefer when…”
Using I-statements is not always easy. But it can absolutely help the communication in your relationship. And of course, you will get better with more practice.
Try these communication skills to help your relationship! If you would like one-on-one help with your communication, please contact me for a marriage counseling appointment. I am located in Friendswood, TX, but I am easily accessible to Pearland, Webster, and Clear Lake communities. Hope this helps!
I am a marriage counselor with 10 years experience working with couples. Read below for ways to help your relationship during this quarantine. And feel free to contact me to help improve communication in your own relationship. 1 – Give each other space. Yes, I realize this sounds ironic. But this has been a really […]
I am a marriage counselor with 10 years experience working with couples. Read below for ways to help your relationship during this quarantine. And feel free to contact me to help improve communication in your own relationship.
1 – Give each other space. Yes, I realize this sounds ironic. But this has been a really stressful time in our world. Even if you think you are fine, take some time for yourself. This quarantine time is unique and can stress us out, even subconsciously. Ask your partner for some alone time, and be respectful when they need their alone time. It is perfectly okay to not spend every single night together. It is okay to take some alone time and give each other space. Space from each other does not mean your relationship is over; space means you are valuing your mental health, which in turn, can help your relationship. It can be hard to miss someone when you now see them 24/7. So take an evening for yourself and do not feel guilty.
2 – Do something different, together. After you have had your space, plan something to do together that you have never done with each other. Try a new recipe, attempt to make sushi, play a new board game, try a new youtube workout, paint something together, make some origami animals, battle each other in MarioKart. The main message here is that when a couple does new, unique activities together, then they strengthen the emotional bond in the relationship. Pick a new activity, and then let your partner pick the next one.
3 – Be physically affectionate. During this lockdown, we are being encouraged to practice social distancing. However, humans need physical touch. Increase the physical affection that you show towards your partner. If this is uncomfortable for you, then start small. Reach to hold their hand on the couch, rub their back as you walk by, kiss them a little longer than normal before bedtime, or just make the effort to hug them once a day. Physical touch can be a great way to re-connect to your partner.
4 – Talk to each other. Here are some questions that you both can answer:
What is the hardest part of this lockdown for them? What is the best part of this? What is something that you thought would be harder but actually is easier? How do you think life will be different after this? What is the the number one stressor for them right now? Answer these questions, add some more questions and learn your partners answers.
5 – Find something to make your partner laugh. Find a meme, watch a comedy movie, watch Tiger King on Netflix, come up with a silly dance, do an impression, even if it’s terrible. But make laughing a priority. Laughter is a great coping skill and can help ease tension in a relationship. Laughing together does not mean everything is solved, but it can help remind you both that you are on the same team. Plus, laughter feels good.
6 – Apologize! This is a big one. If you mess up, snap at your partner, and say something that you don’t mean, then own up to it and apologize. Say “I’m sorry” without adding excuses about your behavior. And if you partner is apologizing to you, then accept the apology. Say “thank you”. Communication during this time can help or hurt your relationship. So apologize and take responsibility for what you have contributed to the conversation.
For couples counseling help or to improve communication in your own relationship, email me at Shelly@friendswoodmarriagecounseling.com
Marriage counseling is an investment. Marriage counseling takes time, effort, emotional energy, money, etc. Now remember, I am biased because I am a counselor at Friendswood Marriage Counseling. But yes, in my professional opinion, marriage counseling is worth it. I have been working in this field for almost 10 years, and I have witnessed firsthand […]
Marriage counseling is an investment. Marriage counseling takes time, effort, emotional energy, money, etc. Now remember, I am biased because I am a counselor at Friendswood Marriage Counseling. But yes, in my professional opinion, marriage counseling is worth it. I have been working in this field for almost 10 years, and I have witnessed firsthand that marriages do recover. I see the changes that both partners have made. I see the old relationship patterns ending and the new relationship patterns starting. I know it has worked because I have seen it.
I like to think of marriage counseling as comparable to going to the gym. It can be hard going there, or it can be hard doing the actual work. But in the end, it was worth going. More than likely, you didn’t regret exercising. And more than likely, you won’t regret going to marriage counseling.
Let’s talk about the value of time…
Marriage counseling is unique in that it sets aside time for you and your partner to have real, honest, genuine conversations about your relationship. Almost like a family meeting, except just the parents. You get uninterrupted, scheduled time to focus on the relationship. You also have a trained, objective, professional counselor in the room too.
As adults, we are really, really busy, and oftentimes we do not make the effort to sit with our partner to talk about the relationship. We don’t make the time to check in with our partner past the standard “How was your day?”. Setting aside time to work on the relationship is one part of what makes marriage counseling worth it.
In my practice, I like to identify and figure out long term solutions. For most couples, they argue, maybe take some space, then make up. Making up is good, but sometimes you have not actually identified a solution and game plan for the future. Marriage counseling, at least in my practice, is solution-based. I work with couples that have the same fight over and over again, and seem to get nowhere. I help couples identify solutions and compromises.
Let’s talk about the value of a counselor…
Sometimes the counselor acts as a translator or an interpreter.
For example: A wife may say “He’s the worst driver; he’s always on the phone!” but what she really means is “I love you, and I don’t want you to get in a car wreck.” The marriage counselor can be that translator. And the counselor, in this example, can figure out other ways for the wife to communicate her anxieties. The counselor, can also, translate to the husband what his wife actually means.
So yes, you are getting a “translator” that can help you both understand each other. You are getting a “teacher” because the counselor teaches both of you healthy communication skills. Those communication skills can be applied to your home life, and you can start getting your relationship to a healthier place.
You are also getting the value of a “professional”.
I spent 4 years at the University of Texas at Austin studying psychology. I received my Bachelor’s degree in 2006 from UT, and then, I went to the University of Houston for graduate school. In 2009, I graduated with my Master’s Degree in Counseling from UH. I got my intern hours, became a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), and I have been working in this field since 2010. As a marriage counselor, I am trained in relationships, communication dynamics, psychology, people, and mental health. I have studied the Gottman Method, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution Focused therapy, and so many more. You are getting a trained professional when you are choosing marriage counseling.
In school, we have the basics of math, science, history. Much rarer are any classes on communication skills, healthy relationship classes, and how to stay connected to your partner. They don’t teach how to prevent divorce in high school. In my professional opinion, communication is the most important part of the relationship with your partner, and most people have limited healthy communication skills.
Let’s talk about the value of confidentiality
It is pretty simple here. Everything discussed in marriage counseling is confidential. The only exceptions are if you disclose child abuse, elderly abuse, if you have a plan to kill yourself or a plan to kill someone else. Your personal information is private, and marriage counselors strictly adhere to confidentiality.
Let’s talk about the financial value
Divorces are expensive. Divorces are emotionally, physically, and financially draining.
There is a wide range of costs for marriage counseling. (Here are my fees.) Fees can range from $30 to $200+ for some counselors out there. Fees will, of course, vary based on location. Marriage counseling can be free or reduced cost depending on your insurance, out of network benefits or even EAP benefits as well. There are options like Open Path Collective that can get you more affordable counselors as well. So, you do have options.
If cost is a barrier for my clients, I am open to scheduling every other week or once a month if that is better for your budget.
I think it also important to be mindful that counseling is not forever. For example, you will not be paying $140 every single week for the rest of your life. Some clients that I work with come for 3 sessions only. And some couples come for 10 sessions. If your marriage or relationship needs help, then spending some money can help increase the quality of the relationship. I work to prevent divorce.
And what about those intangibles that you can’t put a money value to? If you are in an unhealthy relationship, it may physically affect you as well. For some people, they may have unhealthy coping skills, poor sleep, inability to concentrate at work, addictions, anxiety, depression or even stress ulcers. From this perspective, marriage counseling and focusing on your relationship is well worth it for the physical benefits.
There you have it! These are my personal and professional opinions about marriage counseling. Please note, information in this post is not a substitute for therapy. Information expressed in this post is made based on my own personal opinions. If you need a therapist, you should seek one.
Friendswood Marriage Counseling is a local counseling center specializing in relationships located in Friendswood, TX 77546, close to Pearland, Clear Lake, Webster and League City areas. Contact me directly at Shelly@FriendswoodMarriageCounseling.com to set up an appointment or to schedule a free initial consultation.
Anxiety is difficult to manage. Whether you have anxiety yourself or your partner has anxiety, it can absolutely affect your relationship. Today’s guest post is from Anne Russey, Owner of Anne Russey Counseling, PLLC in Katy, TX. Anne specializes in anxiety and has listed her top 3 tips for helping your partner through their anxiety. […]
Anxiety is difficult to manage. Whether you have anxiety yourself or your partner has anxiety, it can absolutely affect your relationship.
Today’s guest post is from Anne Russey, Owner of Anne Russey Counseling, PLLC in Katy, TX. Anne specializes in anxiety and has listed her top 3 tips for helping your partner through their anxiety.
Anxiety is more than just feeling worried or nervous. Anxiety can feel like an overwhelming sense that something is going or will go wrong. Sometimes anxiety can feel like extreme irritability, and may even surface as anger or rage. For some people anxiety might cause them to constantly beat themselves up. Or to believe that they’re failing and letting everyone else around them down.
People who struggle with anxiety may feel like everything in their life is out of their control. They may attempt to assert control over how their partner performs certain tasks like loading the dishwasher. They might try to control how their children behave or dress. An inability or resistance of a partner or child to comply with their requests to do things a certain way might lead to conflict or tension in the home. An anxious partner may constantly question their partner’s words, thoughts or intentions. A partner of an anxious person may feel nagged, criticized and frustrated.
Make a point to ask how they’re feeling every day. Do this with some intention, and let them know you’re paying attention to their response. Put your phone away, ask them this question while the TV is off, or while minimal distractions are present, and listen to their response. If they’re feeling anxious, or overwhelmed, ask them how you can help. There may be something specific you can do to help. Or they may just need to vent. They may want to talk through what’s making them feel anxious and help them come up with some solutions. Or they may just want you to listen and offer encouragement or a hug.
Remember those things your partner has told you can be helpful when you’re asking how they’re doing and how you can help? Well make an effort to do those things without them having to ask. Take the trash out to the curb before you leave for work. Pack the kids’ lunches for the next day. Pick up the dry cleaning on your way home. Schedule the sitter for the next date night on the calendar.
The mental load of an anxious person is heavier than you might imagine, so a partner taking care of things they’ve been willing to delegate in the past can feel like a huge relief. Remember feeling in control of things helps ease anxiety so try not to take over anything they seem particularly invested in doing themselves or want done in really specific ways. The things they’ve been willing to delegate to you in the past seem like safe things to start with. Try to check in with your partner occasionally and make sure the things you’re doing to try to help are actually feeling helpful, and try to make adjustments if needed.
People who feel anxious are usually their own worst critic. The dinner they burnt because they were trying to get the kids bathed before you got home from work- they feel like the worst partner ever. Getting stuck in traffic and running late to pick the kids up from school- they assume they’re a failing as a parent.
Try offering them some positive feedback. Tell them how much you appreciate the very specific and unique things they do for your family. Let them know how good they are at comforting your kids when they’re feeling sad or overwhelmed. Tell them how much you appreciate the long hours they’re working and that you recognize the sacrifices that requires. If you have a partner who struggles with anxiety, they’re likely focusing on all of the horrible things that could or have gone wrong. Help them see their wins for the day or week by intentionally focusing on them and celebrating them.
Sometimes no matter how supportive and encouraging you are, your partner may feel like their anxiety is getting the best of them. Treatment for anxiety is available and can help your partner learn to cope with and better manage their reactions to the things that cause them to feel overwhelmed, irritable or like everything around them is out of their control. Counseling for anxiety can help.
Anne Russey Counseling specializes in providing treatment for anxiety, postpartum depression treatment, postpartum anxiety treatment, counseling for moms and LGBT counseling in Katy, Texas and throughout the state of Texas via online counseling.
Instagram: @annerusseycounseling
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There are so many great relationship books out there that cover topics about relationships, communication, relationship counseling, divorce, connection, couples counseling, affair recovery, infidelity, trust, etc. Here are the best relationship books that Friendswood Marriage Counseling recommends, along with a short summary. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman This […]
There are so many great relationship books out there that cover topics about relationships, communication, relationship counseling, divorce, connection, couples counseling, affair recovery, infidelity, trust, etc. Here are the best relationship books that Friendswood Marriage Counseling recommends, along with a short summary.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
This is the single best book about marriage and reconnecting. I frequently reference this book during relationship counseling. This book is a best-seller, and the author John Gottman has been a pioneer in relationship counseling. Most couples counselors know about this book. It is very well-known and highly recommended. There are exercises and activities included in this book. There are new terms, like “repair attempts” that are helpful for couples to know and apply in their relationships. It has great tips and strategies for relationships. I recommend this book for couples that want to improve their relationship.
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
This book basically tells you that people give love and receive love in different ways. There is not a “wrong” or “right” way to give love. You just need to be aware that you may be different than your partner, and that is okay. For example, if your love language is “acts of service”, then you may prefer that your partner take out the trash rather than buy you flowers to show you love. (Buying flowers would be the “Gifts” love language.)
If your love language is “Physical Touch”, then you may prefer a long hug as opposed to a compliment. (Compliments are considered the “Words of Affirmation” love language.) It is helpful to know your partner’s love language as well as your own. I recommend this book if you want to learn more about you and your partner’s way of communicating.
Vertical Marriage by Dave and Ann Wilson
This is a Christian based book. The book recommends that you invite God into your relationship or marriage. This book wants you to accept that your spouse will never meet every single need that you have. And actually, that nobody will ever be able to do this. Only God can. I recommend this book if you want a Christian perspective on relationships.
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
This is also a book that has Christian references. The underlying message of this book is that men need respect in order to show love and that women need love in order to show respect.
This book is controversial due to being labeled as “critical of women” and “misogynistic”. I recommend this book for couples that are more traditional. This book is not applicable to those in abusive relationships. I like this book for the overall message, but there are certain examples in the book that are controversial. I do not agree with everything in this book, but it provides an interesting perspective that some couples may find helpful.
These are my recommendations for books about relationships. This list is not exhaustive. These are my personal recommendations and preferences. I incorporate messages and terms from these books when I provide couples and relationship counseling. These books are not a substitute for relationship counseling. These books are also not recommended if you are in an abusive relationship.
Contact Friendswood Marriage Counseling if you have any relationship counseling questions.
Not sure if you need counseling? Read this post.
Affair recovery is one of the hardest, if not THE hardest, relationship problem to overcome. Affairs hurt your relationship, your self-esteem, your pride, your ego, your basic sense of self and what you know to be true. Affairs can be traumatic. So, if an affair is a grenade in the relationship, how do you recover […]
Affair recovery is one of the hardest, if not THE hardest, relationship problem to overcome. Affairs hurt your relationship, your self-esteem, your pride, your ego, your basic sense of self and what you know to be true.
So, if an affair is a grenade in the relationship, how do you recover from that?
Well first, I recommend working with a professional. I believe couples counseling or marriage counseling is the most effective treatment for affair recovery. Sure, there are books and self-help articles that can be helpful. But a couples or marriage counselor can be objective and address all the underlying issues. See my previous post for couples counseling after infidelity. Affairs are incredibly hard on the relationship, and a professional is recommended to navigate this terrain.
Affair recovery may also include addressing addictions. It is important to address the affair as one piece of the puzzle, not the whole thing.
If the affair was one part, what are the other pieces that need attention too?
Addiction is defined as “continued use despite negative consequences.” If there is a history of cheating, then we may need to talk about sex addiction. If there is a history of alcohol abuse, we may need to talk about alcoholism. Authentic affair recovery needs to identify and address any underlying addictions.
Of course, you and your partner are both still alive and still together. But you are different, and they are different. The trust is different.
The old relationship is dead, and if you stay together, it has to be a completely new relationship starting between the two of you.
Grieve that, process that, and accept that. The new relationship has to be completely re-structured and rebuilt from the ground up. Part of affair recovery is saying goodbye to the old relationship, saying goodbye to what you thought your life was going to look like, and saying goodbye to your previous expectations.
Affair recovery may involve individual counseling. The partner that cheated may need to work individually with a counselor to figure out why they cheated. Your partner may need to address low self-esteem, insecurities, any possible addictions, need for attention, need for external validation, etc.
The partner that was cheated on may need individual counseling if they are having trouble forgiving their partner. Forgiveness is huge. True forgiveness does not involve you continuing to bring up the affair. Some people can truly forgive their partners, and some people simply cannot. An individual counselor can help clarify this for you.
Affair recovery is absolutely possible, and it will take time, energy, effort, and motivation from BOTH partners.
Email me at Shelly@FriendswoodMarriageCounseling.com if you would like to get started on affair recovery. My office is located in Friendswood, but I serve clients from Pearland, Webster, Clear Lake, Seabrook and surrounding areas.
When couples first come into my office in Friendswood, I think there is a lot of fear and doubt about couples counseling, especially after infidelity. Couples fear that the marriage is over. Or doubt that couples counseling will actually work, or even doubt that you can truly “get over” an affair. That’s pretty normal. There […]
When couples first come into my office in Friendswood, I think there is a lot of fear and doubt about couples counseling, especially after infidelity.
Couples fear that the marriage is over. Or doubt that couples counseling will actually work, or even doubt that you can truly “get over” an affair. That’s pretty normal. There can even be fear related to simply talking about this affair. Fear that someone in the Friendswood community may see you in couples counseling (which is also why I have separate entrances and exits for clients).
So where do you go from here? Here is what to expect in couples counseling after infidelity:
First, please know that infidelity is common. This is not a fun fact to talk about. But it is common in short and long term relationships. It is common across all cities, countries, etc. It is in our nature to notice someone that is attractive. However, if you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, then nothing should go beyond noticing that attraction. (See this post for a conversation about boundaries.)
Infidelity also can be incredibly damaging to a relationship. It affects trust, self-esteem, libido, respect, and love.
Second, it is important to get the facts about the affair. Was it a one-night stand or was it a year long affair? Did your partner find out about it accidentally or were they snooping? If they were going through your phone, then chances are the trust was already low. Or did your partner confess to you that they cheated? Did they seem remorseful or do they think it was no big deal? Has this happened before? What happened last time?
Lots and lots of context is needed in couples counseling after an affair or incidents of infidelity.
Third, assess the damage. After the infidelity, we need to address in couples counseling how the relationship has changed. How has the relationship been impacted? How has communication changed? How does each partner feel? Guilty, embarrassed, angry, exhausted, hopeless, sad, ashamed, proud, arrogant?
There needs to be a conversation in couples counseling about how each person has been affected in conscious and unconscious ways. From sex drive to self-esteem, we will need to identify how the affair affected the relationship.
Fourth, we need to understand why this happened.
For most relationships that struggle with infidelity, the relationship already has problems and an affair is a reaction to those problems.
Something along the lines of: “I am not getting my needs met from my spouse. Therefore, I will get those needs met somewhere else.”
And yes, this need can be sex. But it can also be a need for attention, praise, love, connection, compliments, spontaneity, care and concern.
What was missing in the relationship that caused the person to stray? And how can we change the patterns so that this does not happen again? How can we empower the person that cheated to speak up next time instead of going outside the relationship? How can that person respectfully communicate that their needs are not being met?
Let me be clear, I am not blaming the victim.
And in couples counseling, I want to fully understand why the affair happened so we can make sure that it does not happen again.
Last, we need to work on rebuilding trust after infidelity in couples counseling. This is important. It needs to be real and genuine. And in order for this to be real, this will take time and work.
Before the affair, what was the trust level at in the relationship? After the affair, what is the trust level? What is the trust level goal? What steps do we need to do to get there?
What does that mean? For some, it may mean getting rid of phone numbers. Or having the password to your spouse’s phone. For others, they need to hear and feel real remorse, guilt, and communication that this won’t happen again.
Last, rebuilding the connection. How did you and your partner meet? What do you love about them? What do you appreciate about them? What do you both have in common? What is your love language? In couples counseling after infidelity, I make sure to focus on rebuilding a connection. I focus on rebuilding the connection between you and your partner to make a lasting, quality change.
So what is the next step? Well, if you are in Friendswood or near 77546, then call me at 281-436-9593 or email me at Shelly@FriendswoodMarriageCounseling for a couples counseling appointment.
If you are not anywhere near Friendswood/Pearland/Clear Lake/League City area, then reach out to a couples counselor that you are nearby to, and that you trust and feel safe talking to. See this post for information about choosing a counselor.
Friendswood Marriage Counseling is a local counseling office, ready to provide you with couples counseling after infidelity. Let’s get to work!
All About Infidelity, Part 1: Boundaries We are humans, not robots. We are biologically wired to notice attractive people. We are not bad or weak for that. If someone is attractive in your eyes, you will have an impulse to look and think about that person. However, if you have committed to a monogamous relationship […]
All About Infidelity, Part 1: Boundaries
We are humans, not robots.
We are biologically wired to notice attractive people. We are not bad or weak for that. If someone is attractive in your eyes, you will have an impulse to look and think about that person.
However, if you have committed to a monogamous relationship and you are acting on those impulses – that could lead to relationship problems. And if you are working hard to not act on those impulses, but you can’t seem to stay faithful, then you may need outside help/education/support.
Nothing is a problem until it’s a problem.
For example: If you glance at an attractive person, that is not necessarily bad. If you stare at an attractive person, that could be problematic. If you go get their phone number and have sex with them, then that could be a big problem.
Different couples have different limits on what is okay. Both of you need to consent to what is okay for your relationship.
Here are some sample questions for you and your partner to answer:
Ask your partner what constitutes cheating in their eyes. What are they okay with? What are you okay with? What is absolutely off-limits? If your partner has a flirty personality, but has never and will never act on it – is that okay with you? Did they have that flirty personality when you met them? Or is this new? Have you always had the same boundaries when it comes to cheating, or have you changed?
Here are some sample questions that a couple’s counselor may ask you:
This subject can easily lead to hurt feelings and wrong assumptions, so proceed with caution. Take a break from the conversation if you or your partner get triggered. Or wait to have these conversations until you can sit down with a professional. The goal of this conversation is to get information, not to accuse, attack, judge or criticize.
This is a 3 part series. Stay tuned for All about Infidelity, Part 2
Let’s talk about pre-marital counseling! But first, congratulations! There are a lot of engagements at the start of this new year that should be celebrated. It is the start of a new chapter and can be so exciting. But then comes the wedding planning itself. Wedding planning, for me, was pretty stressful, but for others, […]
Let’s talk about pre-marital counseling!
But first, congratulations! There are a lot of engagements at the start of this new year that should be celebrated. It is the start of a new chapter and can be so exciting. But then comes the wedding planning itself. Wedding planning, for me, was pretty stressful, but for others, it is really fun. Aside from the wedding part though, there is also the marriage part to consider. The wedding is a day; the marriage is a lifetime.
Some pastors require pre-marital counseling and some recommend it.
It can be one session only or it can be 3 sessions. It can be done in one weekend or it can be done in under 3 months. Different churches have different requirements.
So, to answer the question – “Do we need pre-marital counseling?”.
Happy New Year! Congratulations to all those newly engaged couples out there!
What is the #1 communication skill that helped my own marriage? Repair Attempts This term was coined by John Gottman, PhD. A repair attempt is when you and your partner are in the middle of an argument and tension is in the air, and one of you says or does something to ease the tension. […]
What is the #1 communication skill that helped my own marriage?
Repair Attempts
This term was coined by John Gottman, PhD. A repair attempt is when you and your partner are in the middle of an argument and tension is in the air, and one of you says or does something to ease the tension. That is a repair attempt. It can be reaching out to hold your partner’s hand while arguing, it can be calling them by a pet name, it can be referring to an inside joke that the makes you both smile.
Repair attempts are not avoidance of conflict. It is an attempt to ease the tension by reminding you both that you are on the same team, and you still love each other even if you are disagreeing right now.
Repair attempts do not mean that the conflict is all of a sudden resolved. You can still continue to argue. But a repair attempt calms the tension and prevents it from escalating.
You receive a repair attempt by laughing or smiling at the inside joke or squeezing your partners hand back. As much as you can, please do not reject their repair attempt. After many rejections, people are less likely to give those repair attempts.
Giving and receiving repair attempts are equally important. It has helped my own marriage to be aware of those repair attempts during conflicts. And yes, every relationship will have conflict. It is how you handle those conflicts that matters most. Try and be aware of repair attempts the next time you and your partner are getting into a disagreement. Notice how you respond.
Repair attempts are an easy communication skill that can significantly improve your relationship. Hope this helps. Take care of yourself, and take care of your relationship.
