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Communication is so important in a marriage. Being able to have a healthy conversation is one of the most helpful things you can do to improve your relationship. Here are 3 quick tips to keep your communication running smoothly. 1. Don’t ask questions that start with “Why….” Questions that start with the word “why” will […]
Communication is so important in a marriage. Being able to have a healthy conversation is one of the most helpful things you can do to improve your relationship.
Here are 3 quick tips to keep your communication running smoothly.
Questions that start with the word “why” will often make people feel attacked. When people feel attacked, they start to defend themselves. And now you are not listening to each other and instead, stuck in an attack-defend-attack-defend communication pattern.
Instead, use questions that start with these phrases:
“Tell me about….” “What happened with…..” What do you think about….” “What was going on with….”
All these phrases are more neutral, less aggressive and have a higher chance of you getting an honest answer and not a defensive one.
Talking louder does not make your partner hear you better. It usually ends up frustrating them, firing them up, or hurting them. Healthy communication skills include keeping the tone and volume neutral. Shouting is not healthy. It just adds fuel to the fire.
Instead, try these tips:
Take a long, deep breath before responding. Focus on your breathing for a few seconds.
Tell your partner you need to take a 5 minute break before continuing to talk.
Talk softer. Instead of yelling, try going the opposite direction and speaking quieter.
Again, we are looking to keep the conversation neutral and not aggressive. Many people feel attacked when they are told what they are doing wrong. Figure out a way to reframe the sentence so that your partner can listen instead of defend. Starting sentences with “You always…..” and “You never…” and “You are so….” is not the healthiest way to communicate.
Instead, start your sentences with “I”. Say something like, “I feel…” or “I don’t like …” or “I prefer when…”
Using I-statements is not always easy. But it can absolutely help the communication in your relationship. And of course, you will get better with more practice.
Try these communication skills to help your relationship! If you would like one-on-one help with your communication, please contact me for a marriage counseling appointment. I am located in Friendswood, TX, but I am easily accessible to Pearland, Webster, and Clear Lake communities. Hope this helps!
I am a marriage counselor with 10 years experience working with couples. Read below for ways to help your relationship during this quarantine. And feel free to contact me to help improve communication in your own relationship. 1 – Give each other space. Yes, I realize this sounds ironic. But this has been a really […]
I am a marriage counselor with 10 years experience working with couples. Read below for ways to help your relationship during this quarantine. And feel free to contact me to help improve communication in your own relationship.
1 – Give each other space. Yes, I realize this sounds ironic. But this has been a really stressful time in our world. Even if you think you are fine, take some time for yourself. This quarantine time is unique and can stress us out, even subconsciously. Ask your partner for some alone time, and be respectful when they need their alone time. It is perfectly okay to not spend every single night together. It is okay to take some alone time and give each other space. Space from each other does not mean your relationship is over; space means you are valuing your mental health, which in turn, can help your relationship. It can be hard to miss someone when you now see them 24/7. So take an evening for yourself and do not feel guilty.
2 – Do something different, together. After you have had your space, plan something to do together that you have never done with each other. Try a new recipe, attempt to make sushi, play a new board game, try a new youtube workout, paint something together, make some origami animals, battle each other in MarioKart. The main message here is that when a couple does new, unique activities together, then they strengthen the emotional bond in the relationship. Pick a new activity, and then let your partner pick the next one.
3 – Be physically affectionate. During this lockdown, we are being encouraged to practice social distancing. However, humans need physical touch. Increase the physical affection that you show towards your partner. If this is uncomfortable for you, then start small. Reach to hold their hand on the couch, rub their back as you walk by, kiss them a little longer than normal before bedtime, or just make the effort to hug them once a day. Physical touch can be a great way to re-connect to your partner.
4 – Talk to each other. Here are some questions that you both can answer:
What is the hardest part of this lockdown for them? What is the best part of this? What is something that you thought would be harder but actually is easier? How do you think life will be different after this? What is the the number one stressor for them right now? Answer these questions, add some more questions and learn your partners answers.
5 – Find something to make your partner laugh. Find a meme, watch a comedy movie, watch Tiger King on Netflix, come up with a silly dance, do an impression, even if it’s terrible. But make laughing a priority. Laughter is a great coping skill and can help ease tension in a relationship. Laughing together does not mean everything is solved, but it can help remind you both that you are on the same team. Plus, laughter feels good.
6 – Apologize! This is a big one. If you mess up, snap at your partner, and say something that you don’t mean, then own up to it and apologize. Say “I’m sorry” without adding excuses about your behavior. And if you partner is apologizing to you, then accept the apology. Say “thank you”. Communication during this time can help or hurt your relationship. So apologize and take responsibility for what you have contributed to the conversation.
For couples counseling help or to improve communication in your own relationship, email me at Shelly@friendswoodmarriagecounseling.com
Anxiety is difficult to manage. Whether you have anxiety yourself or your partner has anxiety, it can absolutely affect your relationship. Today’s guest post is from Anne Russey, Owner of Anne Russey Counseling, PLLC in Katy, TX. Anne specializes in anxiety and has listed her top 3 tips for helping your partner through their anxiety. […]
Anxiety is difficult to manage. Whether you have anxiety yourself or your partner has anxiety, it can absolutely affect your relationship.
Today’s guest post is from Anne Russey, Owner of Anne Russey Counseling, PLLC in Katy, TX. Anne specializes in anxiety and has listed her top 3 tips for helping your partner through their anxiety.
Anxiety is more than just feeling worried or nervous. Anxiety can feel like an overwhelming sense that something is going or will go wrong. Sometimes anxiety can feel like extreme irritability, and may even surface as anger or rage. For some people anxiety might cause them to constantly beat themselves up. Or to believe that they’re failing and letting everyone else around them down.
People who struggle with anxiety may feel like everything in their life is out of their control. They may attempt to assert control over how their partner performs certain tasks like loading the dishwasher. They might try to control how their children behave or dress. An inability or resistance of a partner or child to comply with their requests to do things a certain way might lead to conflict or tension in the home. An anxious partner may constantly question their partner’s words, thoughts or intentions. A partner of an anxious person may feel nagged, criticized and frustrated.
Make a point to ask how they’re feeling every day. Do this with some intention, and let them know you’re paying attention to their response. Put your phone away, ask them this question while the TV is off, or while minimal distractions are present, and listen to their response. If they’re feeling anxious, or overwhelmed, ask them how you can help. There may be something specific you can do to help. Or they may just need to vent. They may want to talk through what’s making them feel anxious and help them come up with some solutions. Or they may just want you to listen and offer encouragement or a hug.
Remember those things your partner has told you can be helpful when you’re asking how they’re doing and how you can help? Well make an effort to do those things without them having to ask. Take the trash out to the curb before you leave for work. Pack the kids’ lunches for the next day. Pick up the dry cleaning on your way home. Schedule the sitter for the next date night on the calendar.
The mental load of an anxious person is heavier than you might imagine, so a partner taking care of things they’ve been willing to delegate in the past can feel like a huge relief. Remember feeling in control of things helps ease anxiety so try not to take over anything they seem particularly invested in doing themselves or want done in really specific ways. The things they’ve been willing to delegate to you in the past seem like safe things to start with. Try to check in with your partner occasionally and make sure the things you’re doing to try to help are actually feeling helpful, and try to make adjustments if needed.
People who feel anxious are usually their own worst critic. The dinner they burnt because they were trying to get the kids bathed before you got home from work- they feel like the worst partner ever. Getting stuck in traffic and running late to pick the kids up from school- they assume they’re a failing as a parent.
Try offering them some positive feedback. Tell them how much you appreciate the very specific and unique things they do for your family. Let them know how good they are at comforting your kids when they’re feeling sad or overwhelmed. Tell them how much you appreciate the long hours they’re working and that you recognize the sacrifices that requires. If you have a partner who struggles with anxiety, they’re likely focusing on all of the horrible things that could or have gone wrong. Help them see their wins for the day or week by intentionally focusing on them and celebrating them.
Sometimes no matter how supportive and encouraging you are, your partner may feel like their anxiety is getting the best of them. Treatment for anxiety is available and can help your partner learn to cope with and better manage their reactions to the things that cause them to feel overwhelmed, irritable or like everything around them is out of their control. Counseling for anxiety can help.
Anne Russey Counseling specializes in providing treatment for anxiety, postpartum depression treatment, postpartum anxiety treatment, counseling for moms and LGBT counseling in Katy, Texas and throughout the state of Texas via online counseling.
Instagram: @annerusseycounseling
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There are so many great relationship books out there that cover topics about relationships, communication, relationship counseling, divorce, connection, couples counseling, affair recovery, infidelity, trust, etc. Here are the best relationship books that Friendswood Marriage Counseling recommends, along with a short summary. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman This […]
There are so many great relationship books out there that cover topics about relationships, communication, relationship counseling, divorce, connection, couples counseling, affair recovery, infidelity, trust, etc. Here are the best relationship books that Friendswood Marriage Counseling recommends, along with a short summary.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
This is the single best book about marriage and reconnecting. I frequently reference this book during relationship counseling. This book is a best-seller, and the author John Gottman has been a pioneer in relationship counseling. Most couples counselors know about this book. It is very well-known and highly recommended. There are exercises and activities included in this book. There are new terms, like “repair attempts” that are helpful for couples to know and apply in their relationships. It has great tips and strategies for relationships. I recommend this book for couples that want to improve their relationship.
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
This book basically tells you that people give love and receive love in different ways. There is not a “wrong” or “right” way to give love. You just need to be aware that you may be different than your partner, and that is okay. For example, if your love language is “acts of service”, then you may prefer that your partner take out the trash rather than buy you flowers to show you love. (Buying flowers would be the “Gifts” love language.)
If your love language is “Physical Touch”, then you may prefer a long hug as opposed to a compliment. (Compliments are considered the “Words of Affirmation” love language.) It is helpful to know your partner’s love language as well as your own. I recommend this book if you want to learn more about you and your partner’s way of communicating.
Vertical Marriage by Dave and Ann Wilson
This is a Christian based book. The book recommends that you invite God into your relationship or marriage. This book wants you to accept that your spouse will never meet every single need that you have. And actually, that nobody will ever be able to do this. Only God can. I recommend this book if you want a Christian perspective on relationships.
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
This is also a book that has Christian references. The underlying message of this book is that men need respect in order to show love and that women need love in order to show respect.
This book is controversial due to being labeled as “critical of women” and “misogynistic”. I recommend this book for couples that are more traditional. This book is not applicable to those in abusive relationships. I like this book for the overall message, but there are certain examples in the book that are controversial. I do not agree with everything in this book, but it provides an interesting perspective that some couples may find helpful.
These are my recommendations for books about relationships. This list is not exhaustive. These are my personal recommendations and preferences. I incorporate messages and terms from these books when I provide couples and relationship counseling. These books are not a substitute for relationship counseling. These books are also not recommended if you are in an abusive relationship.
Contact Friendswood Marriage Counseling if you have any relationship counseling questions.
Not sure if you need counseling? Read this post.
What is the #1 communication skill that helped my own marriage? Repair Attempts This term was coined by John Gottman, PhD. A repair attempt is when you and your partner are in the middle of an argument and tension is in the air, and one of you says or does something to ease the tension. […]
What is the #1 communication skill that helped my own marriage?
Repair Attempts
This term was coined by John Gottman, PhD. A repair attempt is when you and your partner are in the middle of an argument and tension is in the air, and one of you says or does something to ease the tension. That is a repair attempt. It can be reaching out to hold your partner’s hand while arguing, it can be calling them by a pet name, it can be referring to an inside joke that the makes you both smile.
Repair attempts are not avoidance of conflict. It is an attempt to ease the tension by reminding you both that you are on the same team, and you still love each other even if you are disagreeing right now.
Repair attempts do not mean that the conflict is all of a sudden resolved. You can still continue to argue. But a repair attempt calms the tension and prevents it from escalating.
You receive a repair attempt by laughing or smiling at the inside joke or squeezing your partners hand back. As much as you can, please do not reject their repair attempt. After many rejections, people are less likely to give those repair attempts.
Giving and receiving repair attempts are equally important. It has helped my own marriage to be aware of those repair attempts during conflicts. And yes, every relationship will have conflict. It is how you handle those conflicts that matters most. Try and be aware of repair attempts the next time you and your partner are getting into a disagreement. Notice how you respond.
Repair attempts are an easy communication skill that can significantly improve your relationship. Hope this helps. Take care of yourself, and take care of your relationship.
